I have a nasty habit of secluding myself when it comes to relationships. Unbeknownst to my knowledge, I’ve built a wall to shut people out. After continuously being hurt, I’ve adapted a habit of barricading myself behind an unbreakable wall of trust. I’ve found this wall as a way to keep myself guarded and safe from further heart breaks. Many people have tried to scale my wall trying to find a way to get to me, but only to end up quitting. I’ve passed up chances because I was afraid of reliving the pain I once felt. Seclusion was the only way I could guarantee I wouldn’t get hurt. Though I no longer feel that way, the pain has scarred my heart and my wall still exists as a barrier for people who try to be a part of my life. What a very narrow-minded thought of mine.

I’m comfortable with my present situation, because quite frankly, it’s all that I know. Sure – there were some who tried to break down my walls and introducing me to a status that wasn’t as lonely, but each predicament always presented itself less than temporary. I’ve played that game for as long as I could bare, yet each crush was crushed and I was always left less satisfied with the idea of commitment and surer of holding my own ground. For fear of being hurt, I discourage advances made towards myself.

All the relationships surrounding me aren’t making me a believer either. Always fighting about the same old things, strong-minded individuals somehow transform into weak, needy identities. “Sorry” and “I love you” are constantly being thrown around, being abused by those who try to pitch it. What happened to three strikes and you’re out? What’s with all this overtime and time-outs?

They’re always trying to tell me that the grass is greener on the other side, but I like the grass I have here with me just fine. And the truth is: I am afraid. I’m afraid that once I fall, I’ll never be able to get back up again when he stops catching me. I’m afraid to grow so dependent on another human being that I’ll forget how to be myself. I’m afraid of the Hyde in me that I never knew existed until I least expect it. I’m afraid, utterly and terribly afraid. And unfortunately, my fear harbors that “fuck it” attitude, that “don’t get too comfortable, because in a few weeks I’ll be done with you” type attitude.